Dispatch From the Land of Milk and Honey ... from William Sherman, Amagansett

Rampant non-stop sex and fights over food, batteries, and candles replaced lolling on the beach, fine dining and clubbing yesterday as Hurricane Irene shut down America's most monied playground.  

Suddenly powerless at 9 a.m. and virtually imprisoned with little else to do, the super-wealthy stayed in bed or went back to it for the day, coupling in record numbers with no interference save for the occasional cell phone "are you okay?" jingle to interrupt the action.      

However, when that was done and temperatures dropped with evening's onset, brutal battles over food and light began.       

More than 400 people were treated at Southampton Hospital with injuries ranging from cat-fight scratches to broken bones.      

"I don't know what it was like on the rest of the East Coast, but here it was madness, just crazy as if eveybody reverted to pre-historic behavior," said Captain Elmore "Buddy" Sugob of the East Hampton town police department.

"I'm just happy there was no looting because that could have been next the way a lot of these people were acting."           

Emotions and calm turned on a dime in many cases. For example, at one Further Lane estate, a quiet debate over how long food remains edible in a refrigerator with no juice - Mom said four hours while Dad said 48 if the door stays closed- turned nasty with guests piling in on one side, the other, or with different opinions. In 15 minutes, it escalated into bottles of wine and crockery hurled all around the spacious kitchen and into the great room.       

At other homes, battles broke out over obviously problem-free foods such as canned tuna fish and salmon and by nightfall the struggles over candles and flashlights and batteries began, according to Sugob.       

However, by this morning, order was restored and many of those who were at each others' throats yesterday were peacefully munching on panninis at 's at noon and calmly figuring out alternatives to and  beaches, both of which were closed.         

Hurricane Irene was gone and the sun was out.  

Editors Note: Mr. Fleetwood's blog is a satire.